Friday Fluff February 10 2012

Welcome to the preValentines edition of Friday Fluff! But let’s not get all mushy-gushy. Instead, let’s get straight into mocking answering some seriously fucked up quiz questions.

These questions come from here, and are all “What would you do if” questions (even though the author doesn’t bother with a single question mark.) So. Get ready, get set, Bang! Go!

Stranded in a forest alone
Check for Geocaches, then use Google Maps on my cell phone to find my way out. (Turn left at the pockmarked tree; go three hundred feet; watch out for the Fire Swamp and the R.O.U.S.’s unless you have the Dread Pirate Roberts along for backup.)

 Sensed someone stalking you
Sensed how? Like “I always feel like somebody’s WATching meee? (OooOooo)” Paranoid? The walls have eyes? Or like, sensed it because their car was following the hell out of me or something? If the former, somebody would have to inform me I was paranoid, then I guess I’d go check in at Cherry Hill. Or whatever. If the latter, I’d wait until the car passed me, then call the cops with a license number.

 You suddenly developed superhuman strength
I just did that. All night long and I completely held it together in spite of two kid meltdowns.

 You saw a dead cat
Horrific true story. The other day, I was driving Sam to school, and we passed a cat that had just been hit. It’s front half was motionless, but its rear end was still in death spasms. The tail was pinwheeling one way, and the ass was going another. If it wasn’t already dead, it was about to be. I felt horrible for it. I called animal control. At least the poor thing got quickly cleaned up that way. And yet, I fear that I should have stopped, even with Sam in the car. I had a cat who got hit by a car and lived as a kid. But he only took a glancing blow. Broken paw, no chest damage. I fear that I could have saved it, even though I know better.

 You saw a dead human
I have seen several at funerals. When possible, I gently touch them, just to make sure they’re really dead and embalmed. Trust me. They don’t feel alive at all, though I wouldn’t know the feeling of embalming fluid from blood.

Someone anonymously send a love note
Sent. That should be sent. You were doing SO well with the tenses, assuming we were all willing to front you the phrase “what would you do if” or (alternatively) “what would you do if you”. But you slipped into the present tense here. Tsk. Tsk. If I wasn’t pretty damned sure it was Scott, I’d be pretty creeped out and go back to the stalker scenario. Anybody who knows me knows that I’m pretty firmly attached to my spousal unit.

 You become blind
I’ve often thought about this. No, seriously, I have. My grandmother had horrendous glaucoma. She was treated for it starting at age 27. So far, neither of my parents have developed it. All four grandparents had it, though. Only Mummum went blind. But her gradual loss of sight was heartbreaking. So I pay attention to things like the feel of keypads and my dinner plates. I understand the concept of arranging things the same way every time. I would cope. But I fear this. Terribly.

 Your car breaks down beside a graveyard
Take kickass photos for my blog while I waited for the tow truck. (Obviously.)

 Your bestfriend calls you at 4am
That’s best [space] friend. And here’s the thing. Our land line is fucked up to the point that we have exactly one landline phone in the kitchen. It’s a corded unit. Scott and I leave our cells in the office at night. SO if somebody, even my BFF, called me at 4AM, unless they made those phones dingaling for a longatime, I would probably go right on sleeping. Oh. And unless they called back after 7, I probably wouldn’t notice they called for days. I’m awful about checking messages.

You could bring back anyone from 6 feet under
This. Then this.

Someone kept staring at you
Stare back.

Someone ate your lunch
Spike the next one with hot sauce.

You’re at a stranger’s funeral
Show respect and hope nobody asked me to deliver a eulogy.

You got 100 free spray cans
What the hell? Where did this come from? There is no thread connecting this to the previous questions (or the one following). All the others have some connection (however remote) to humans (even dead ones) or animals. This is like Ed McMahon just walked into that damned stranger’s funeral and handed the corpse the winning Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes check.

And even with Sam in the house, we don’t need THAT much bathroom spray. That’s got to be like a decade supply.

And if you were referring to something else, I don’t want to know.

 A horse came chasing after you
Uhhh zigzag? Or is that crocs who can’t zig? Gators who can’t zag? I get so confused. I’d get the hell out of the way, anyhow. If I had time. If not, I’d throw myself down and pray the horse jumped. Or maybe just this:

Yes, waiter. I'll have the faceplant.


Linking up with Lisa over at Seeking Elevation to play Friday Fluff (this week sponsored by those worst case scenario survival guides or something).

Don’t forget to come play with Bella and I! Tell us a story about a love song as it relates to your life.


13 thoughts on “Friday Fluff February 10 2012

  1. Heh heh. I have a similar dead-ish cat story. It was over 10 years ago and I still think about it probably twice a month. My husband hit it. I was passenger. I looked back and saw half of it flat and the other half moving and shaking and trying to, like, get away? It was horrific. I always wondered if I made it up–if I hallucinated that other half moving. But your post tells me that I probably didn’t. Ugh.

    • Nope. You probably remember it exactly right. My other ‘hit animal’ story involves a groundhog. I was seventeen and a relatively new driver, and yet I got stopped in time to avoid hitting the dumb thing. This other car came flying around the corner and smacked into it, so I saw the moment of impact, saw its body snap literally in half, and saw it land already dead on the roadside. That one was more merciful than the cat. I’m just glad I didn’t see the cat actually getting hit. And being IN the car? Oh that would have killed me. I’d think about it all the time, too.

    • I have a friend who has done that before. She lost her sandwich every day for a week, then brought in a tabasco sandwich and watched to see who watered up. She stomped on the guy’s foot on the way to the water cooler and wouldn’t let him go get a drink until he’d agreed to pay for the stolen lunches. She is one of the most awesome people I know.

For the love of Mike, TALK to me! (Concrit welcome on fiction)

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